Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
