i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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