I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
