one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
