My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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