I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
