dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
