Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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