Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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