I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize