Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
