I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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