Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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