I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
