Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
