Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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