i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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