the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
