I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
