Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think my moral compass just broke
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