Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
