fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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