Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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