It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
