Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
