Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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