I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
