That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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