Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
