My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize