did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
