two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
