there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
