i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
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