someone threw a dead crab at me
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
