I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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