I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
