captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
