Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
