Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
