just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
