I feel great
I just peed on a car
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
