It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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