there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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