Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
