If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
