I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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