There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
