if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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