The maid of honor just puked.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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