there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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